Titled days after: My emo rant

I feel like I use this blog solely to express the unhappiness I feel in my life. If someone were to read my blog, they might think I'm the biggest failure and the most depressed human being on the planet. That is not necessarily the case but since I use this blog to express my most impacting feelings, I may appear as a miserable human being. Today I didn't prepared with a certain topic in mind but I was feeling certain emotions so I felt like I needed to express them somehow. When I feel this way I usually try to shake it off with physical exercise which relieves me of any stress or annoying emotions. When I run not only does my body relieve my mind of certain thoughts but as I run, I exhaust every thought that is bothering me and when I think of something that is bothering me lately, I feel like running even faster. The more affecting the thought is, the faster and harder I run to relieve myself of that thought. It's not a conscious decision to run faster but these thoughts cause me stress and as I run I feel as I am running away from them. I can't do that right now and it is at this time of the day that I am most vulnerable to these thoughts. I can't escape them. It is late and time to go to bed. I have to lie still in my bed till I fall asleep. This is the moment when these thoughts seep in and flood my mind. They flow through my mind freely and I can't escape it. I physically wince at the thought of the mistakes I made in the past. They're are like small needles torturing me. I try to bring in positive thoughts but I realize I'm not strong enough to force my thoughts into the direction I want them to go. But I know I can be. I know I can think differently. I know that I can change my future to stop regretting the mistakes I make. I regret the mistakes I make because they are the same ones over and over again. Famous role models have stated that if they could go back in the past they wouldn't fix their mistakes but make them over again because they believe it was a valuable learning experience. Mistakes are learning experiences but if they are always a learning experience then I must be an expert. I guess I don't make many mistakes but just one big mistake. I continue to live life the same. I know I'm not living it the way I should and I'm not satisfied with it but I continue in this vicious cycle which could be described with every negative adjective there is in all the world's languages. There is a truth within this problem I face and it may seem completely illogical and it might be. The truth is: I know how to change all this. Yes, It is ridiculous. It's not a joke. As absurd, ridiculous and irrational as it may sound. I do know how to turn my life around. The solution to my problem lies within God. Yes, I do not joke. I do not kid. I do not lie. I believe and know within me that God is the answer. The statement "God is the answer" may be so ubiquitous that some may have been desensitized to it and now don't pay much attention to it. In my life it is true and it is also for everyone's life. If I know the answer why don't I apply it to my life? When I think of this I cannot fathom why not. After emptying the contents of my brain in to this blog and I've analyzed what I have said. It all seems like an entangled mess which I cannot comprehend completely. If I could I would be able to answer this question. It is not that I haven't tried to seek God and have a relationship with him, as I should, but I can't seem to do it successfully. I can slowly see it clearly as I continue to write and I think the problem lies in the fact that I have not put enough effort into seeking God. However, I have already come to this conclusion before. Have I not changed anything since then? Do I still do the same things I did before coming to this conclusion? Yes I do! It's like a constant Déjà vu . I have been in this spot before and I've gone past it and now I'm back to it again, in a matter of 24 hours it seems. Yes I have tried to seek God by fasting, praying and reading the Bible. There is always something however that stops me. Yes! That's what it is! I commit to God and promise that I will seek him and I begin to do so in whichever form I can. Before I gain significant momentum, I am stopped by something. Whether it is sin, confusion or some distraction, I'm driven off the path that I believed led me to God. This same things happens over and over again. Every time I'm driven off that path, I wonder whether that was the correct path or not and wonder if I should continue following it in the future. I start over from that path and try again. The next time however I may be a little more experienced but it seems that every time I walk along that path, there is a new adversity or the same problems I have faced along that path have gotten stronger. I can't know for certain whether what I do daily to seek God is the correct choice or not but I can't know for certain until I try my best to do so and actually accomplish what I set myself to do. That is a summary of the war I'm currently fighting. Although I have wasted valuable time in writing this, I think this has helped me envision what the battle looks like and I can look back at this and strategize what my plan of action will be. For now I plan on seeking God in which ever way I can. I want to know from him and hear what it is I must do. I plan on looking for a word from him and continue to look for him in the ways I know how until I know that he's with me and until his purpose becomes mine.